(written in the late night of Day 27/early morning of Day 28)

We just had sex.

( So why do I feel empty? )

(written in the afternoon)

Calvin came home with unexpected news.

( I don’t know what to make of it. )

(written in the morning)

Calvin comes home today!

( I *still* miss him like crazy. )

(written before bedtime)

I got an email from Calvin yesterday and was able to send over a reply just now.

( I miss him like crazy. )

(Written before shift on day 11)

Just had a mandatory day of rest for everyone not in essential services. I didn't get a lot, though.

Every time I'm around Calvin I find myself responding. It's insane, almost relentless. I've gotten it up without trying more times a day than in most weeks in my life. It's fantastic, it's great, and I really don't think it can be the slightest bit normal.

Late in the evening we ran into Doctor Beckett on a balcony, and he claims this is all just the first blush of a new relationship, and it'll get old soon enough. In some ways I hope he's wrong, and in some ways I hope he's right. I mean, this is exhausting. I sleep great at the end of the day, sure, but I'm getting a pretty hard workout each and every time. I don't know how Calvin keeps up with it -- it's amazing.

After the mission, Calvin punished me for not telling him where I'd gone first, and it was amazing. He was so in control. I’ve never tried that sort of thing before.

Every time I see him, I want him. I could have bent over for him in the mess kitchen, and thank God we didn’t, because Calvin’s boss showed up just as we were about to talk about condoms. Late last night we ended up on a balcony, and Calvin had me kneel in front of him. He tied my wrists. Then he talked me through the hottest fantasy I've ever heard while I blew him, right there, out in the open. Sure, it was dark, but ... woah. Erotic, hot, dangerous.

We got caught, too. Doctor Beckett came along and told us to take it somewhere private. It's got to be bad that I was more turned on than afraid by that, isn't it? I've never been someone who was into showing off, never in to public sex. Why am I so willing to do whatever Calvin wants? Why do I want to take him within minutes of seeing him, every single time?

I hope the doc is right ... I hope this is normal.

Okay, I've had new girlfriends, I've had sex. I can't remember ever having sex with a new girlfriend several times in one night. This can't be right, can it? I mean, it's great -- fantastic, even. But ... it can't be normal, can it?

I think I need to see Doctor Beckett.

So. Busy busy busy. Of most recent interest, I got to help carry and secure a Wraith corpse for transport back to Atlantis. We went on a mission to the Wraith planet and Major Sheppard's team was attacked. They said that the mountain with the Wraith was gone, only an enormous crater left behind. Their working hypothesis is that the mountain was actually a ship.

I'm not sure I even want to think about the implications of that, either for engineering, logistics, or our ability to stay alive here.

In other news, not 10 hours after Doctor Beckett informed me about that whole licking thing and Calvin did that. It was ... woah. Really good, actually. Really really good. But I'm honestly not too sure if I'll ever be able to do it. I just don't know.

Also, speaking of woah ... Calvin and I had sex last night. Real sex. It was ... well, a lot of things. It hurt, a lot. But it also felt great. I've never been around someone like Calvin before. He does stuff that just makes me ... melt? I can't explain it. I did have a bit of trouble walking today, but I expect I'll get used to that part of it.

So I got a chance to talk to Doctor Beckett, and I think he might be trying to kill me. He gave me a bunch of supplies, explained how to use them.

Apparently, some people like to lick another person's anus! Holy cow. I had no idea being gay was so weirdly creative. I'm not sure I'm really ready to do that, actually. Ever.

... that was interesting.

I have a boyfriend. I have a boy friend. I mean, I've got a boyfriend! I just got down and dirty with a guy on the expedition. Calvin. Calvin Kavanagh. Guy. Male. Not girl.

How the hell am I ever going to explain this to Sarah?

I mean, okay, sure, I've thought the occasional guy was cute and all but hey, I'm a decent, liberal fellow. Of course I am secure enough in myself to notice someone worth looking at, especially if that someone has a good brain to back up the pretty surface. But ... a guy?

How could I get to be this old and not figure out I ... like guys?

And then to end up in the infirmary after at least half the expedition saw him carrying me like that through the hallways like some sort of epic adventure hero. If I hadn't liked him before, that would have done it. He didn't give a shit about what anyone thought -- he thought I was dying and he took care of it.

But ... but he.

Oh man. Okay. Take it easy. He's hot, he likes you, you like him. You had great sex together. You told him you're okay with being together, and really, why not? It's not a big deal. He's just ... not a girl. It'll be okay.

I don't even have words for this. It was all hot and it was sexy and it was touching and it was ... it was, wow. Great. Absolutely great. And there will be more.

But ... a guy?

At least I'm not in the American military. Thank God for small mercies.

Unix
You shoot yourself in the foot.

DOS
You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.

MS-Windows
The gun blows up in your hand.

Windows NT
The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.

OS/2
The gun and the bullet aren't speaking to each other any more.

Mac Finder
It's easy to shoot yourself in the foot -- just point and shoot.

AIX
You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45.

IRIX
The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot.

SVR4
The gun isn't compatible with your foot.

Minix
You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special.

Linux
Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free.

HURD
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now.

VM/CMS
IBM shoots you in the foot.

VMS
\FOOT\ ambiguous: supply more toes.

AMIGA-DOS
The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it's impossible to find bullets.

Mach
The bullets work pretty well, but they don't make guns for it any more.

Cray
You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.

MasPar
You shoot all of your friends' feet simultaneously.

ANCIENT
An ATA carrier initialises the system and someone's random foot is shot an indeterminate time later.